


a symbol of trust that’s hard to gain

by Thistley



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Childhood Habits, Comfort blanket, Finger Sucking, Habits, Illness, Insecurity, Oral Fixation, Other, Park Seonghwa Centric, Sick Park Seonghwa, non sexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 11:28:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25848823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistley/pseuds/Thistley
Summary: ’Various psychology websites called it an oral fixation. To Seonghwa, giving it a name meant making it real, so he decided to shove that label as far back in his mind as it would go.‘Or:Seonghwa accidentally reveals his (innocent) oral fixation and comfort blanket to the team during the height of a fever. It goes better than expected and Choi Jongho is the best maknae one could ever ask for.
Relationships: Choi Jongho & Park Seonghwa, Choi Jongho/Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong & Park Seonghwa, Park Seonghwa & Ateez, implied
Comments: 9
Kudos: 191





	a symbol of trust that’s hard to gain

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Comfort](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20890904) by [shahondin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shahondin/pseuds/shahondin). 
  * Inspired by [teaspoons](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21524245) by [vixxtherapy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vixxtherapy/pseuds/vixxtherapy). 



> This work was sort of inspired by the two works mentioned:
> 
> I took San losing Shiber on tour from teaspoons by vixxtherapy (NSFW)
> 
> I took the idea of the oral fixation from Comfort by shahondin (NSFW)

Seonghwa would like to think that he was an honest person. Living and working with seven people almost 24/7 means that keeping secrets is a fruitless endeavor that usually only ends in either a big, blow-up fight or frosty silence. He’d beared witness to several of both degrees, and could say with certainty that he’d like it to never happen again.

Seonghwa would also like to think he trusted the rest of Ateez. They were his second family, his brothers, and he would do anything for them. He was always ready to drag Hongjoong into self-care or to comfort Yeosang when something goes wrong. 

Seonghwa hated keeping secrets from them. So, why was he?

-

Various psychology websites called it an oral fixation. To Seonghwa, giving it a name meant making it real, so he decided to shove that label as far back in his mind as it would go.

It wasn’t like he completely hid it; he was often found chewing a pen or sucking a lollipop. Numerous times the other members had slapped his own hands from his mouth while he chewed his nails down to the nail beds. Ateez were a busy group, though, and these little occurrences probably weren’t important enough to draw anyone’s attention. Hence: secret.

He’d considered, a few times, just letting go. Letting himself pull two fingers into his mouth when he was scared or anxious or hurt. When he’d been bedridden for a week with the flu he’d come so close, but even his illness couldn’t numb the all-encompassing panic that froze his blood whenever he tried. Once the fog over his mind had cleared he knew he’d lost his chance.

It all boiled down to one thing, really. Seonghwa was the oldest. He didn’t want to demonstrate behaviour that would be more expected coming from a maknae. He didn’t want to be seen as a _child_.

-

It was a Saturday morning when everything finally went to shit. Seonghwa awoke only to immediately get hit with a wave of dizziness. He didn’t recall making any noise but he must’ve because Hongjoong was suddenly peeking over his bunk bars, concerned.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

He tried to nod but only succeeded in making himself feel worse. A bout of nausea began to roll up and he scrambled to climb out of bed and flee to the - thankfully empty - bathroom.

Hongjoong - ever the leader - diligently followed him and patted his hair as he threw up.

Seonghwa felt like he’d been hit by a car. His head was aching, his body was aching, his everything was aching. The nausea had subsided somewhat only for the dizziness to hit in full force. Through the ringing in his ears he vaguely understood that someone else had entered and was discussing something with Hongjoong. He just didn’t know who until he was ever so gently picked up bridal style and carried away - Jongho.

Jongho placed him on the couch and held a hand to his forehead. Seonghwa moaned in relief at the cool feeling, trying to chase it as it pulled away. He felt a frustrated tear leak from his eye.

“It’s okay, hyung,” a voice said. “Hongjoong-hyung is getting you some medicine.”

He was too far gone to even register who was speaking.

-

Hongjoong bit his lip as he sat gently on the sofa beside Seonghwa, moving his sweat-drenched hair from his face. The others, equally concerned, hovered around them.

“39 degrees,” he read from the thermometer. “Definitely a fever.” He placed the thermometer on the coffee table and felt his forehead again, frowning.

“Should we call manager-hyung?” Yunho asked timidly. 

Hongjoong pursed his lips. “We have no schedule until Monday. If he’s no better tomorrow then we’ll call him.”

They stood in silence for a moment, observing, until Mingi cleared his throat. “Should we get his blanket from his bed or something? It might make him feel more comfortable?”

Hongjoong nodded and stood, Jongho quickly taking his place. “I’ll go.”

He hurried out of the room and into the one he shared with Seonghwa, climbing half up the ladder to pull his duvet away. It fell into a pile on the floor. After a second of thought, he pulled a pillow away too. Ready to leave, Hongjoong was about to climb down when something caught his eye.

Another blanket. He picked it up.

It was worn and old-looking, clearly well-loved. A deep navy blue with colourful animal shapes, an obvious child’s blanket. Small. Hongjoong recalled having something similar when he was younger.

He’d never known Seonghwa owned it. Despite its well-loved look, Hongjoong had never seen it before in his life, despite having lived with Seonghwa for years.

Feeling more than a little weird and creepy, Hongjoong pulled it up to smell. There was a definite scent of something distinctly Seonghwa, although more faded than the rest of his bedding. _’Definitely his, then’, he thought._ Underneath was an undercurrent of something else, a scent Seonghwa had when they were trainees and he still lived at home. He was surprised he could even recall it.

After a moment more of hesitation, he climbed down and took the blanket with him in the pile.

When he got back, Seonghwa was still knocked out, looking uncomfortable even in his sleep. The other members had spread out a little, only Jongho remaining within touching distance of their oldest member.

Hongjoong spread the duvet over him and tucked the pillow beneath his head before awkwardly placing the smaller blanket near Seonghwa’s neck. Unconsciously, Seonghwa pulled it closer.

“What’s that?” Jongho asked, pulling the other members’ attention, too.

Hongjoong shrugged. “It was under his pillow. Thought it might help him feel better.”

Wooyoung snuck a little closer. “I think I had that blanket when I was a baby,” he said musingly. “I wonder why hyung still has it?”

Hongjoong felt a flash of...something...surge in him. He turned sharply to the other members. “We will not make fun of him for this, okay?” he said.

They nodded, scrambling to placate him. Hongjoong ignored them.

“He had it hidden for a reason,” he added quietly. He couldn’t help but feel hurt but he tried to push it down. Once Seonghwa was awake and not delirious he could ask. 

-

Jongho had torn himself away for a while to give his hyung some rest, but had ended up right back where he’d been only an hour later. The other members had all cleared out, only Hongjoong still actively checking in once in a while with an alarm set to force-feed Seonghwa more medication.

Jongho crept through the doorway, intent on sitting beside his hyung, when something made him stop.

Seonghwa had moved slightly. The small blanket was clutched to his face (and wasn’t that asking for a breakout? Still, Jongho couldn’t find it in him to move it). That wasn’t exactly what he’d noticed, though. Seonghwa had two of his long fingers between his lips, almost absentmindedly. He definitely didn’t realise he was doing it, and Jongho suddenly felt as though he’d seen something he was never supposed to see.

-

Seonghwa’s fever broke at 5pm, not that he was aware. It was 6pm when he began to blink awake, feeling marginally less shitty.

It took him a minute to register what was going on.

A) He was in the living room, not his bed, despite having his bedding.  
B) The other members were sort of hovering over him, save for Jongho who was sat at his feet.  
C) He had a worryingly-familiar feeling blanket in his face.  
D) He had two fingers in his mouth.

His mind took a solid 10 seconds to process the last two points before he quickly retracted his hand and pulled the blanket under the duvet, knowing full-well it was a lost cause. He caught a frown on Jongho’s face.

“It’s okay, hyung. We don’t mind.” he said.

Seonghwa felt his face flame red as the shame of the situation finally caught up to him. He buried his face in his hands and tried to quell the tears.

There was quiet muttering above him, several sets of footsteps and then the gentle shut of a door. A hand landed on his shoulder.

“Seonghwa,” a voice said. “Look at me?”

Hongjoong.

He raised his head and set his gaze on Hongjoong’s arm. He felt a hand tilt his chin up anyway until he locked eyes with his leader.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Seonghwa felt himself begin to shake. “I’m not a child,” he whispered brokenly. “I’m not - I’m still capable.”

“Hey, no one thinks that, I promise,” Hongjoong said. His eyes were slightly glassy and Seonghwa couldn’t figure out why. “Will you tell me what’s going on?”

Seonghwa stayed resolutely silent.

“Please?”

More silence. And then he opened his mouth,

“I - it’s a comfort thing,” he mumbled, finally breaking the locked gaze and letting it drop to his own, shaking, hands. “I’ve always done it. Some people call it an oral fixation.” Absently he brought a thumb to his mouth and bit.

“And the blanket?” he asked in the same soft voice. 

“I had it since I was a baby,” Seonghwa whispered. “It reminds me of home. It helps me sleep. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.” He sounded very determined and Seonghwa couldn’t help but glance up to meet his gaze.

“No one thinks any less of you, Hwa. I swear. It’s okay. We’re just sorry that you felt like you couldn’t tell us.”

Seonghwa shuffled nervously. “It’s not that I don’t trust you guys. I was just scared.”

Hongjoong slowly shuffled forward and pulled Seonghwa in for a hug. “I promise that no one thinks any less of you. You’re still our hyung. San sleeps with Shiber, remember? And no one has ever said anything about him.”

Seonghwa nodded against his shoulder and relaxed a little.

“Anyway, how are you feeling?” Hongjoong pulled back to put a hand to his forehead. “Your fever broke earlier but you probably won’t feel much better until tomorrow.”

-

After that, admittedly mortifying, experience, Seonghwa had started letting loose a little around the other members. It started small: leaving his blanket on his bed instead of stuffing it under his pillow. Then he let it escalate slowly to letting his fingertip rest in his mouth in front of the others.

True to Hongjoong’s word, no one said anything. San had even taken to cuddling Shiber more around the other members, perhaps in a display of solidarity with Seonghwa.

Things were going rather smoothly, which only made the ensuing disaster even worse. Three months of hectic schedules were finally due to settle down as they stepped off a plane and into Korea after a gruelling tour. Seonghwa had finally felt comfortable enough to drag his blanket with him on tour, which had worked miracles comforting him after he broke a finger on stage.

Hindsight was 20/20, Seonghwa would however realise.

They were waiting for their luggage when the manager approached them. “There’s been a problem,” he said.

Everyone looked up.

“Seonghwa and Mingi’s bags were left in Italy. They’ll be flown over with the next flight but you probably won’t get them for another few days.”

Seonghwa could only just hear Mingi’s swearing over the rush of blood in his head. He could see the manager continuing to talk but tuned him out, instead unsteadily following the members to the company van where they would be driven back to the dorm for a week off.

*

Jongho knew something was wrong. They all did, really, but he’d always paid slightly more attention to their eldest than anyone else. 

Seonghwa had retreated straight to bed after getting home, looking forlorn. With the news of the missing luggage, Mingi and Hongjoong had headed out to buy missing necessities and Yeosang had hung back to wheedle and convince their manager to give Seonghwa and Mingi a break if their skin broke out while their skincare products were in another country.

Jongho tried to occupy himself by making some dinner and watching a drama but found his mind drifting back to Seonghwa. Eventually he paused the drama, not knowing what was going on anyway, and dumped his dish in the sink, instead electing to make him and Seonghwa a hot drink.

He knocked gently on the slightly ajar door before pushing it open with his foot. “Hyung?” he asked. “I brought a drink.” He pushed the door shut and set the drinks down on a bedside table, hoisting himself up the ladder to peek at Seonghwa.

He was lying on his back, phone in one hand and bandaged hand cradled to his chest. “Hey, Jongho,” he said quietly. He sat up.

Jongho passed him the drink and then settled on the bed beside him. “You okay?” he asked, blowing on his drink carefully.

Seonghwa hummed in affirmation and took a sip of his drink.

“Hand not bothering you?” He continued.

Seonghwa shook his head. “It doesn’t hurt, no.”

Jongho noticed the avoidance in that reply but decided to let it slide.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes.

“I can’t sleep,” Seonghwa suddenly blurted. His expression shut down as if he hadn’t meant to say that.

“How come?” Jongho asked. He took Seonghwa’s empty mug and placed them both down away from the bed. He moved so that he could sling an arm over his hyung’s shoulder and pull him down.

Seonghwa sighed and made himself comfortable on his chest. “I got used to sleeping with the blanket, and now it’s stranded in Italy,” he mumbled.

Jongho patted his hair soothingly. “I’m sorry.” He hesitated for a moment. “Do you remember when San lost Shiber while we were on tour that one time? It was in a bag that got left in Korea.”

He felt Seonghwa nod against him. “He said that sleeping with Wooyoung helped him fall asleep. We could - we could try that? If you wanted?” Jongho stuttered his way through the last part, hand stilling in Seonghwa’s hair.

Seonghwa shifted so that he could look him in the eye. “Are you sure? You don’t mind?”

Jongho shook his head quickly. “Of course not.”

Seonghwa shot him a grateful smile and turned to settle back down again. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

-

Jongho hadn’t meant to fall asleep and woke with a groggy start. He cast his gaze around the room, eyes falling on Seonghwa before he relaxed and remembered where he was. He could hear the soft sound of humming below him - Hongjoong - and muffled playful shouting from through the wall.

He was ready to go back to sleep before he registered an unfamiliar warm on his hand. He turned, confused.

While asleep he had pulled Seonghwa flush against him, almost on top of him, arm circling around him protectively. At some point in their sleep, two of his fingers had found their way in Seonghwa’s mouth.

He panicked silently. What was he supposed to do? 

“Shit! Ah…” he whispered to himself.

Not quietly enough, apparently, because then there was shuffling from below and then Hongjoong’s head popped up.

“Are you- oh,” he said, cutting himself off. 

Jongho looked at him helplessly. “Should I move? I don’t want him to be embarrassed.”

Hongjoong didn’t seem to know either. “Seonghwa wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Jongho shook his head. “No. I’m - I’m not...uncomfortable.”

Hongjoong bit his lip. “I’ll clear out until he wakes up?”

It was more of a question than a statement but Jongho nodded anyway. He stayed stock-still until the door clicked, and then looked back at Seonghwa. He stroked his hair with his free hand, revelling in how he relaxed even more.

His decision about waking Seonghwa was made for him when there was a loud bang and a shout from elsewhere in the dorm, the noise startling Seonghwa awake. 

Jongho watched the realisation dawn on his face as Seonghwa pushed at his wrist in a panic. He held his hands up. “I swear I wasn’t being creepy! I woke up like this!”

Seonghwa looked like a deer caught in headlights. “I am so sorry, Jongho.”

Jongho frowned and rested a hand on his hyung’s shoulder. “No, it’s okay. I didn’t...I didn’t mind. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” He studied his face and tried to determine what was going on in his head.

“You didn’t mind?” Seonghwa’s voice was fake and disbelieving. He quirked an eyebrow. 

Jongho flushed and turned away, dropping his hand. “My brother used to do the same thing. It was a symbol of trust with him. Forget it. I’m sorry.” He moved to leave but was halted by a hand on his thigh.

“Wait,” Seonghwa said softly. 

He did.

“I - are you sure I didn’t make you uncomfortable?” He asked.

Jongho nodded. “I wouldn’t lie to you, hyung.”

Seonghwa stared. Then stared some more. And finally pulled him in for a hug. “God, you’re too nice,” he mumbled into his neck. 

Jongho let out a breath. “If you want to, uh, use my fingers,” he flushed at the innuendo, “then I don’t mind. I like that you trust me.”

Seonghwa kept his face in his neck but Jongo could feel the smile against his skin. “Did anyone see?” He suddenly asked.

“Hongjoong,” Jongho replied. “He was in here while we were asleep but left so we could talk when he saw.”

He earned a nod in response. 

“Hey,” Jongho said, pushing at Seonghwa slightly. “Why don’t we watch something? I’m not really up to getting up.” He shook his phone from where he'd picked it up from the bed.

Seonghwa didn’t reply but instead pulled Jongho down and rested on his chest, one arm pulled over his shoulders. Jongho felt him play with his fingers as he pulled up the drama he’d been watching earlier and started it from the beginning. 

They were 20 minutes in when he felt Seonghwa pull his hand slightly and the pads of his fingers touched lips. 

Another 5 minutes passed until Seonghwa fully let himself go and let the fingertips pass into his mouth. Jongho simply ruffled his hair and kept watching.

It had taken time, but Seonghwa had trusted his team with his most embarrassing secret.


End file.
